The Subtle Mind

It is interesting how this exercise became such a metaphor of the distractions of my mind. I put the CD in and I was witnessing the rise and fall of my chest as breathed in, breathed out. This was not difficult, it is the technique I use to fall asleep at night but this time I was sitting on the floor and not laying in bed. Thoughts came and I released them, as I do every night. All of a sudden, the CD went from artificial ocean noises into static; sharp and intruding. It scared the daylights out of me! I got up and checked the CD, slightly amused at the irony of being calm and witnessing my breath and startled back to reality, a brutal metaphor of what life has become these last three years. And so, we have our first lesson from the exercise-life is sometimes brutal and in the not so distant past I would have reacted with a bit of anger at the technological failure of the CD and irritation at the disruption to my seeking peace and contentment!

OK, I thought. I don't have enough time to replace the CD and get this assignment finished (goal oriented) and really, isn't this what my mind does when I am attempting to change my thought process? Meditate through it, it will eventually stop. So, I lowered the volume and started the CD over. When the static sprang forth from the CD again I mentally released it from my thoughts over and over. The static kept my mind from jumping around and I was able to bring my thoughts back to the rising and falling of my chest, witnessing my breath. The static continued to the end of the track, until track 4 began. I got up, turned off the CD and took the dog for a walk in the rain.

While I was walking I considered the experience and wondered what was on the rest of the CD. I couldn't listen to it so I read the exercise in the book. "I can do this without the CD," I thought, and I set the timer for 20 minutes, sat on the floor and began again. I was not able to get farther than witnessing the breath. I never found a still place inside of me. As I mentioned earlier, the breathing exercise is what I use to fall asleep but fortunately, I didn't fall asleep! "Our mind is clear, quiet, stable, open, alert,and all-knowing" (Dacher, 2006, p. 76). I want that! I want to connect with the real me!

I preferred this exercise to the loving kindness exercise because it seemed less abstract, more peaceful, more calming. A few weeks ago our blog exercise was about rating different aspects of our lives on a scale of 1-10. My spiritual rating was low, and it still is. Could this be the connection I am missing? I feel like I am missing a connection between the spiritual, physical, and mental. I understand the connection between mental and physical. But spiritual still seems a bit abstract, not quite something I can put my hands on. So, what have I learned? That there is a spiritual connection and that it is possible for some people. If there are people that experience the inter-connectedness, then I know it is possible for me! "An ease and lightness enter our life and cleanse our mind and body" (Dacher, 2006, p.86). Yes, I do believe I will continue to pursue this daily.

Dacher, E. (2006). Integral Health. The path to human flourishing. Launa Beach, CA. Basic Health Publications.